Thursday, March 5, 2009

UNOFFICIAL 2009: A lot of fun, and too much damn fuss

Well, predictably so, in the last week and a half we have seen a slew of news articles featuring our local policy makers and our university's spokespersons taking hard stances against a pseudo-holiday.

Since my freshman year and the 2006 version of Unofficial, more and more enforcement has been ushered into the campus area to police the drunken participants. Letters have been written to parents, e-mails sent to students and faculty, and here we are, 2009, and reading a forwarded letter from a member of the Interfraternity Council, get this: deans from each college will be in patrol cars.

What?!

First off, I find it hard to imagine the Dean of the College of Media, Ron Yates, would really care to spend the day in a patrol car. Second of all, what is this, high school prom where every guidance counselor shows up to see if they smell booze on anybody, while the janitor is stationed around the punch bowl to make sure no one spikes it with a little vodka?

I guess my main point is, where are the priorities? Unofficial has seen trips to the hospital for alcohol poisoning, and I'm not downplaying the fact that some people are just stupid and will do stupid things while drunk. Yes, I know one person died back in 2006, but, forgive me if I sound like George Costanza, underwhelmed after learning the Andrea Doria shipwreck had a mere 40-some casualties - one person, and the letters to parents reference it as if it is ultimate damning evidence of Unofficial?

Here's another priority: it's the economy, stupid. Our economy sucks, the government keeps spending cash, and we'll see it here tomorrow. Hundreds, and I do mean HUNDREDS of officers from all the different agencies - University, cities of Champaign and Urbana, and even agents from the Illinois Liquor Control Commission - are going to swarm around campus. At least the navy uniforms contrast nicely with green.

Our state will have spent tens-of-thousands of dollars enforcing this event, while the city of Champaign will gleefully cash in on the underage tickets (which, mind you, are up to $365 for March 6) and go on to waste the money on their crap school district or God-knows-what.

I will happily participate tomorrow, my last and final Unofficial, and I'll dig out whatever green clothing I have, and bask in the surreal glory of campus being overtaken by drunken college students. It always hits, every year, around mid-afternoon, when you look up and down Green Street and observe the controlled fervor. From my perspective, Unofficial is not some huge menace to society.

Here are some imparting words of advice:

Chancellor Herman - I used to like you, man, but after you folded like a schoolgirl during the Chief decision and continue ignore ACTUAL problems instead of spending University cash on mailing nearly 40,000 letters about a pseudo-holiday, I think you should go back to teaching math.

Police officers - man, you were all pumped to have the weekend off, and you get a call to come in and look for underage kids with beers in their hands. I can only imagine the temptation you must have to take off that uniform, slip into some jeans and a green shirt, and join in on the festivities.

Mayor Schweighart - I met you once, and you were a pretty cool dude. With a pack of Pall Mall's in your shirt pocket and a blue collar aura about you, I get the feeling you, deep down inside, don't mind this Unofficial thing too much. Better yet, you think the drinking age should be lowered to 19. Bravo! Oh, and enjoy the loot the city will pull tomorrow. I wouldn't blame you if you go corrupt on us and keep some dough for yourself.

And to Scott Cochrane, hardly a mastermind but more just a cocaine-induced entreprenuer - major props, my friend. I'm sure tomorrow, in between lines of powder and liasons with 19 and 20 year old employees, you'll have enough time to reflect on how one little idea back in 1995 has become such a big deal.

1 comment:

  1. Mike, you should be a columnist. The comments you wrote to Herman, Schweighard, Cochrane and the police were witty and insulting in almost a satirical way. I know you thought there was too much fuss made about Unofficial, but your comments could have added to it as a funny and newsworthy column making just that point.

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